"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
