People in love make me want to vomit
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It was confusing and full of hummus
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
