his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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