I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
