you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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