oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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