4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize