So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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