She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
