I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
