Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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