he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
