u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
