My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Drunk walkin through police station. America
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
