I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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