I met the friendliest cop last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
