final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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