I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize