I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
