i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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