girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
