The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize