you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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