Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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