mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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