if i can run in heels then i can drive
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
