there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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