i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
where are you?
Hypothermia
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
