I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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