I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up under a house in Key West
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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