Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
