Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
