I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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