i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The power of my boobs compel you
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
