I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
