my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
