I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
