I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
