I'm jealous of your bromance
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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