I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize