you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
