Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
two words...techno handjob
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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