I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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