Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
