okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
