I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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