The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so let's talk penis.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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