After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
