So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
