You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
