I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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