I feel great
I just peed on a car
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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