You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
