ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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