i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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