My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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