can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
