On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize