The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
