So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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