i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
