Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
