a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
