Cold hands, warm shart.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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